Title kinda gives it away but... guess what? No go on, guess.
Give up? OK, I've just become an ordained minister! That's right folks the UK chapter of the First Church of Atheism is now officially open! hip hop hooray!
I will, of course, be available for weddings, funerals, confirmation ceremonies and the like. All will have an atheist tone (being the point).
And just how has a layabout, druggie, wastrel such as myself become a fully ordained minister? I hear you ask. Well apparently the story goes that a couple, sick of the way the 'non-denominational preacher assigned to them for their wedding (they were atheist) still expected them to want various references to the big guy upstairs in their ceremony (non-denominational generally means unaffiliated christian). So they started their very own church, of atheism (and yes, apparently, you can have an atheist church).
Now (this being the 21st century) anyone can become ordained into the church, start their own congregation (if they so wish), preach away merrily and (and this is the clincher) perform marriages, funerals, visit people about to be executed etc. The best bit is, it's free! (not sure I should be telling you that bit, ain't gonna help my monopoly, but hey-ho).
So, there you have it, I'm sure you'll all agree this is a big step forward for us free-thinking logic-based scientifically-minded double-barrelled types. and the best bit? I'm now to be properly addressed as Reverend!!!