a nihilists' guide to enjoying life.

here are my top trips for wringing the mostest enjoyment from your scandalously short time upon this planet we call home.

1. love everybody. this is honestly not as difficult as it sounds. the trick is to remember that everyone you meet is a blood relative. try thinking to yourself "how would i feel if this was my mother?" (warning: this advice is not advised for those that hate their mothers, try replacing 'mother' with 'brother' or 'father'. if you hate them too, try 'dog' - everbody loves their dogs) this makes it a lot easier to give people the benefit of the doubt, extra leeway, etc. for advanced lovers (that so didn't come out right, did it?) you may like to continue pondering on the relatedness of all life. see those fwuffy wuffy animals? they blood relatives too, so be nice to your pets! if you want to take this to it's logical conclusion you are in fact related, by blood, to the bacteria that live in your intestines and the yeasts that live in/on your genitalia; takes the concept of self-love to a whole nother level dunnit?

2. leave you ego at home. try to remember that it really is unlikely to be about you. for inkstains, if someone has a go, it's probably because they're upset about something that has sweet fuck all to do with you. for the vast majority of the time people are utterly absorbed with one thing: themselves. this means they are correspondingly unlikely to be thinking about you. in fact as you only make up 10% of yourself (crazy, but true!) you is not really about you either.

3. avoid drugs/alcohol. "no fucking way. did he just type that? is he taking the piss?" is probably what you just said out loud if you know me. if you don't, take my word for it. you will indubitably end up much lower than you ever got high. and you'll also end up suffering from hypoglycemic attacks (low blood sugar) which fill you wiv a murderous hatred of everybody. this is the opposite of loving everyone (see tip no. 1)

4. if it feels right, do it. always trust your intuition. you're probably a lot cleverer than, er, you are. you brain is capable of lightening fast calculations based on things like body language, weather changes, tone of voice, etc. that you are rarely consciously aware of. never, ever, rely on your intuition to follow rule no. 3 however. intuitions are good, the're just not always wholly trustworthy.

5. smile. you never know who's watching. ok, so according to rule no. 2. no one is - they're all looking in the mirror. still, there's nowt like hope, ay?