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Friday, 4 July 2008

Jamie Oliver new ingredients shock

This one's on a promise, see Jess, I told you I'd put it up here. The above charming piece of photographic product (product, I might add, of the highest quality) was sent to me in what are becoming another sign of just how silly the decadent west is becoming, yes, you know the e-mail petition/protest/outrage. And what a very fucking silly thing it is too.

You can just imagine it can't you, picture the scene: we're in a stifilingly hot, humid police office somewhere in downtown Jo'burg (or wherever, I just wanted to type Jo'burg) Officer Sammy Nkwano is just sitting down to his tea-break with his friend Officer Jim Ngogo (like 'em? it's surprisingly fun making up african sounding names I can see where that Mr Smith is coming from now).

Jim leans back in his chair and with a slight sigh of exasperation says

"Still no luck on that baby killer case then?"

"Which baby killer case is that then?"

"You know, the one where he's been cutting them up and leaving them in buckets"

"Oh that baby-killer case, no, no leads, no nothing. To be honest I'm not sure I can be bothered. What's one more dead African baby anyways? Look at the stats, as producers of dead babies go, we ain't skimping. They'll probably just grow up to be AIDS orphans anyway, if they're not...

Just then Chief Zumbogum-Lola head of police comes bursting in, visibly peturbed.

"I cannot, I repeat cannot, believe this! You guys had better have a very, very good excuse for the trouble you've been causing me this morning let me tell you!!!"

"Trouble?" said Sammy"but Chief "you know we would never cause you trouble! Remember Aringye's wedding? When you had a little to much to drink and when one of the valets scratched your car, you shot him, through the head, in front of all the guests. In fact it caused us quite a lot of trouble to not cause you any trouble on that particular occasion."

"Hmm, well perhaps" Chief Zumbogum-Lola hated being reminded of his various indescretions at the best of times "nevertheless, I'm in trouble now, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

At this Sammy and Jim got nervous, very nervous, they sure didn't want to end up like that valet...

"But why? Chief, what have we done?"

"It's not what you've done. It's what you haven't done" said the Chief throwing the pictures of Murder Case: 079956438CHDX on the table.

"We were just talking about that! What's the problem Chief? The killer hasn't struck again has he?"

"No, no he hasn't" replied the Chief "it's much worse than that."

"Worse?" Sammy and Jim said in unison.

"What could possibly be worse?" continued Sammy.

"Pressure!" cried the Chief and with this he collapsed at into the nearest chair, bursting into tears. "That's it. you guys better find out who's responsible for this! NOW!!! And no more tea breaks until you do!"

Anyhoo, funny's aside, the actual content of the e-mail was a petition to keep CPU(Child Protection Unit)'s in South Africa open. Great. Except with all the will in the world, I think if you have an AIDS epidemic, add in a little false info/rumour/superstition (like having sex with virgins cures AIDS) all the CPU's in the world ain't gonna help. Most of the blame for all of this lies squarely at the feet of the Catholic Church but I ain't seen no e-mails calling to ban that bunch o' bastards.

The really insidious thing about the whole affair (if we obviously discount the chopped up baby) is the idea that sending around offensive images in e-mails getting people to sign them and then forwarding them is somehow 'making a difference'. Is it bollocks, the main reason they're closing CPU's in S. Africa (if they even, actually are) is because they've run flat out of cash cause their northern neighbour's tottering about on it's last legs like the last tart at the party, screwing the economics of the entire region.

However, actually doing something positive, effective and real to actually help the world's poorest (like say, give them loads of our money) never gets so much as a mention.


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